Do you have a Downer Dilemma? Spent any time with an Energy Sucker lately?
Have you ever felt like your good vibes got sucked dry after spending time with someone?
Know anyone who likes to ‘poor-me’ it up but won’t take help?
What about the person who’s on the verge of yet another tirade about the State of Things?
How about the one who rains on your parade? You share your good news and they tell you why it’s gonna’ fail.
Yep, you’ve met an energy sucker. A downer. And, frankly, they’re hard to be around.
But wait, aren’t downers people too?
Of course!
They’re good people who don’t get that their extended forecast of gloom and doom is actually harmful to themselves and others.
They don’t understand that this kind of limping through life is a choice.
Sometimes we are downers too! But, that’s another post. 
Your energy is affected by the negative vibes of others.
It is true. You’ve already felt it happen, haven’t you?
We have these little things in our brain called mirror neurons. They make empathy possible.
We aren’t just listening to someone’s words, we’re tuning our signal to their vibe.
We’re hardwired to do this. Our nervous system is listening.
So what do you do about it?
First of all, you need to know that their problem is not your problem.
You are not responsible for the happiness of other people.
No matter how much you might feel like you HAVE to listen to them, you do not.
Put up your hand and say stop. Walk away. Hang up the phone.
But wait, isn’t it rude not to listen? Won’t it hurt their feelings?
Tolerating the negative vibes of others doesn’t serve you or the other person.
People in that mode only learn to keep doing more of the same when we behave as interested, rapt, little bunnies.
If you believe that being a good person means you need to be sympathetic to their plight, feel their pain, commiserate, validate, and perhaps relate to their State of Things – we need to talk.
I’m not kidding.
Being polite gets in the way of being real.
You are giving yourself and the other person a kindness by not allowing this kind of behavior.
How is that kind? You are not being authentic in the moment that you continue to act as if you care, are interested, want to help. Right?
And, honestly, when you set a boundary and say NO, you help the other person get in touch with what they are doing. We are all here to help, aren’t we?
Maybe I should just stay home and avoid people forever?
You were meant to live a life fully out in the open–present and accounted for.
Besides, it’s impossible to stay home and avoid people forever.
Even while you’re hiding, these opportunities for growth will come and find you.
- It’s not your job to be the ear to inappropriate, life deprecating commentary.
- You are not here on the planet to see to the complete and utter happiness of others. It’s just not your job. And, it isn’t good for you. And, it doesn’t serve them either.
- There is a purpose and a plan for you and your life, and the better your boundary, the faster you’ll get there.
How can I help? Did this downer dilemma ring close to home?
Can I help support you in creating healthy boundaries for yourself?
Get in touch, send me an email. I’m here for you.
Related posts:
The The Downer Dilemma: How to Deal with Energy Suckers by Robin Hallett, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
I was sucked in just yesterday by a downer who really left me drained. I thought, I really need to learn how to deal with that, especially because it’s somebody who I have to communicate with on a regular basis. I’ll have to use some of this advice the next time I get sucked into her detracting, woe-is-me bubblegum talk. Thanks, Robin!
Hey Sarah! Nice to see you here and thank you for sharing. It can be a challenge to deal with someone we know who seems to be in that ‘space’ on a regular basis. It’s tricky because usually we’ve been tolerating it for a while
Just having the awareness that you do not have to be the Good One Who Always Listens is a great way to address this energetically. Awareness is the key! I use closing statements (these are sentences that verbally close the door) like, “Good luck with that, I’m off to xerox those files!”
You can do it Sarah! Hugs, Robin
Hello; We are both followers of Farnoosh and prolific living. I decided to check out the posts of some of her other commenters. This post was very empowering. Its something that can’t be said too often or too loudly. And we all have to find ways to deal with those people who suck the air out of the room and drain your energy. take care, max
Hey Max! Thanks for stopping by. Yep, it is so true- it doesn’t matter what field you are in, you gotta know how to stay pumped up full of life! Wishing you all the best, Robin
How do you deal with co- workers that you work with closely? How do you not let all that negative energy rub off on you? I have kept my distance and it has made things worse. It seems people get mad when you dont give them the time of day, because they are like a cancer to you.
Hi Tiffany,
Yes, totally getting how mad people can feel like a cancer to you. By focusing on that kind of energy in others, we step into that vibe ourselves–we unintentionally invite that energy inside.
Wherever you place your focus, Tiffany, is where you will be. So if that focus is on the negativity of others – guess where you are?
If this truly is a job that you want to stay at, it’s going to be doubly important that you find some positivity to focus on. Is there something about your job, or the people you support, or something about the office, or something about the benefits you receive that makes showing up worthwhile? Place your energy there
Can you add a few positive reminders to your workspace which will keep your heart and mind in the right space? Here at my desk I have several small written reminders (remember to live your YES! is a favorite) plus a small plant and a little crystal. These are objects that are touchstones for me.
Lastly, consider the power of prayer – whatever your belief – ask that you be protected and surrounded by light, and ask that the light enter those dark spaces in the office.
Wishing you all the best Tiffany,
Robin
I had a gal from the office blow up in frustration at me today. She gets easily stressed doing a certain job. I was stunned and yet this wasn’t the first time. All i could think to say was (as i was almost shaking!), I’m not sure why but you and i seem to really buck heads. (i’m sure she does with others too). I need a shield up and a response. Thanks!
Love your positive reminders Tiffany! i have a beautiful angel.
I meant, love your positive reminders to Tiffany, Robin!
Thanks
<3
Hello Lisa,
I’m glad you commented. So many people can relate to and appreciate what you’re sharing here.
You did a great job speaking up – it’s understandable that you were almost shaking, this kind of behavior is shocking and so out of left field.
You spoke up beautifully Lisa, and no matter what happened after that, you gave this person something to think about.
Setting a boundary is very important. Letting your coworker know she cannot speak to you this way is important both for you and for her.
You can address the issue again, in any way that feels right (face to face, phone, email). Speak directly, “You cannot speak to me this way” or, “It did not feel good to be on the receiving end of your blow up”.
Let me know how it goes Lisa! Wishing you all the best,
Robin
Thanks Robin!