Close friends. They’re in our hearts and we want to stay connected but so often there are upsets and bothers we don’t know how to talk about.
How do we deal with friendship friction?
How do we recognize the problem, address the pattern, and do the healing?
In this episode, we’re talking about taking your relationships to the next level as you heal the patterns which continue to repeat for you.
Listen here or wherever you enjoy podcasts 🙂
My session notes are below 😍😘
Episode 39: Friendship, Agency, #relationshipgoals
This week’s letter is a goodie from a married friend who wonders should she stay or go? Can her relationship can handle some spiritual growth?
My notes from today’s episode:
I’ve been thinking about people in our lives, the ones in our hearts and we and choose to be connected with.
So often, even though you’d expect your time together to be sweet and fun and funny, these are usually the relationships where we experience a lot of friction, a lot of bother and upset.
We don’t always talk about it openly, but many of us wish our friends were better at:
Paying attention to us
Love us and clap for us
Be interested in us
To remember us, to make space for us, to think of us, to ask how are you?
And we want them to leave room for us, to not take up all the space in the convo and not be selfish and not forget to return the ball…
Think of your own examples in your relationships.
A lot of stuff comes up, lots of bothers happen, lots of upset happens, and we don’t always talk about it – we get upset, we suck it up, we just keep going, we even have wishful daydreams about how it could be different or we think about breaking up…
But there is another way!
Where there is friction what that means is a part of you is being asked to awaken and do some growth work with this person or around the issues this person is making with you.
So if you have that right combo with somebody you click, and there’s friction that’s the sign you’re being invited to awaken and do some growth work and this person is a catalyst in their life.
This person is a catalyst here to help you.
Only you can know if that person you feel drawn towards has the right stuff or not to go there with you, but no matter what there is something here in the upset, it’s a gift being given to you in hopes that you’ll receive it and do the work.
It’s interesting that I see a lot of messaging out there to cut out toxic people, just get rid of them.
But in my mind, some people are on a journey — just like us — they are our friends and we love them. And that’s the signal that this is a much deeper connection than someone we can simply toss away.
What if we allowed ourselves to pause and reflect instead of cutting them out for good?
I am only talking about people you really really wanna be friends with, not wrong-fit people or the actual toxic people. I am talking about friends like me and you.
There are patterns that arise in your relationships which have everything to do with you healing on your personal journey.
Say you have that one friend where that thing keeps happening between the two of you and you go away feeling upset or hurt.
There’s an energy there being asked to heal.
I love this person and I’d like us to be closer,
I’d like them to ask me about me once in a while
A more honest open conversation
Or I’d like them to respond to my text…
Instead of getting angry at this person, how would it be to consider that this is possible growth work you are being invited to do.
It is very possible that your friend cannot see the pattern the same way you do.
You see a pattern and you probably have some unhealed energy around this pattern as well.
The other person is helping you see what needs to be addressed.
You’re the one with the light and the awareness so let yourself really see how this is an opportunity to go beyond just being upset and hurt and wounded.
And I raise my hand on this. I’m thinking about relationships I’ve been in in my life where for years I would be upset and hurt but didn’t have the inner ability and knowledge to say this to myself at the time and now I am so glad that taught me this so I can come here and share it with you as well!
So we can complain on and on about somebody not being a good friend or spouse or partner or we could decide to be a good friend to us both and heal the pattern.
We need to decide.
If people are letting us down and it’s ongoing, this is probably a pattern you are participating in as well.
Things don’t just keep happening to us, we’re dancing with the energy and isn’t it better said that you are letting yourself down?
I’m thinking about all the time I spent feeling somewhat helpless to change it and always blaming myself like somehow I wasn’t good enough or if I was more loveable or likable then maybe this thing wouldn’t be happening and this person would be different.
Relationships teach us how to love and show up and be present and say what we need to say and help each other go deeper.
I used to blame myself and decide I was unloveable — a pattern from childhood — I would feel hurt and rejected which would prompt me to scramble even more and try and stay there with my friend instead of staying back and saying yeah, this is not working out and my feelings are hurt but I really wanna stay with this person and I like them and I want this to be better and I want them to know that these things happening between us hurt my feelings.
So, maybe there’s a request you can make of this friend.
Sometimes just this process will bring about a shift, a miracle… I love X and I wanna be closer and I wish they would X and boom it happens. You didn’t speak it out loud, you didn’t confront anybody, yes you came to a new place.
Just your awareness will get something moving — say, I am in a pattern! And then ask yourself how would you like it to be different?
How do you want it to shift?
What would you love?
Start there and let’s see what takes place.
One of two things are likely to happen — it’s gonna make your friendship better or you will be released from the pattern. Either way, something will shift for the good!
In my own healing, what I began to see was that some people I felt very drawn to could not meet me where I longed to be met–that was the pattern–they were somehow unavailable but I kept trying to be close, and that was the pattern I had to heal.
I had to dig deep and ask myself why I kept giving my heart to people who don’t and can’t receive it, who say they wanna be in your life but their action says otherwise.
Eventually, you come to see how close this pattern is to your childhood it’s like we’re doing the repeat of your family story.
(or your own version of this – think of how it happened to you)
Perhaps for you, it will be a different time in your life but you should be able to identify that was similar to another time in your life when…
It’s like we’re doing the repeat of the old story and the energy is sucking us dry.
Perhaps it’s true that this person can’t go where you wanna go but you guys share heart space you love each other you want them in your life and they want you in their life and that’s a rare and special thing and maybe as we do our own work and acknowledge where our expectations are not based in reality, (they’re based in history, longings woundings our own brokenness and what we’re still trying to complete for ourselves) there will be room for the friendship to feel whole and alive and joyful.
So as we learn to do that work and release people from our own expectations esp the people we’re drawn to who can’t give us what we are seeking… then maybe this sweet friendship, this mutual admiration, this love we share has a chance to thrive and grow and flourish into something more.
Think about it, without all that resistance and story making, there’s a real chance for something beautiful.
So we don’t have to trash everybody who can’t meet us the way we want because they’re here to help us learn and grow and heal… just like you, I have been hurt and wounded and maybe those people and situations are long gone but I still have energy to heal and stuff to work out around that.
How am I gonna do that? Usually through the friction of a friendship.
This is where we get to work it out and mend broken hearts and understand ourselves even better.
So if we were to cut every single person out, it would be a mistake, talking about the ones who matter to you, those are the ones that you as the strong friend could decide to be of service to you both and stop demanding the old stuff.
And if they keep showing who you are and you keep being angry, who has the problem?
So this is my invitation to you today to take a look at the repetitive patterns and your hurts and your upsets. We’re walking together on this journey and it’s not all just smooth and easy, sometimes these places come to help us grow.
Always I encourage you to go forward with your journey and take a risk.
Show references below
A Course in Miracles Quotes:
I didn’t make any this episode! But you might enjoy the Course in Miracles practices I offer here.
Related links for this episode:
Books mentioned in this episode:
You might enjoy the Course in Miracles practices I offer here.
Thank you for listening, may it serve you!
Hugs and love,
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🎧 Episode 39: On friendship and the friction and what we can do about it. Our close friends, they’re in our hearts and we choose to stay connected but so often there are upsets and bothers we don’t always talk about. How do we recognize the problem, address the pattern, and do the healing? We’ll talk about taking your relationships to the next level and also helping yourself heal what continues to repeat for you. The inspiration this week is all about agency — an ability to do for ourselves what we need and want, to help ourselves grow and make the choice to do it. An especially important skill as many of us wait for these things to come from someone else. Plus, I’ll share a friendship manifesto and a ‘do it for me’ list too. This week’s letter is a goodie from a married friend who wonders should she stay or go? Can her relationship can handle some spiritual growth? Episode 39: Friendship, Agency, Relationship Goals Link in bio for full episode on iTunes, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or wherever you enjoy listening http://robinhallett.libsyn.com/episode-39-friendship-agency-relationshipgoals 💌 Want me to read your letter on the show? DM me here or link in profile Always, thank you so much for supporting the podcast! I appreciate your awesome reviews, and you sharing these episodes with friends who can benefit. 🦆There’s a little vid of my ducks from last episode at the end, keep swiping! #teawithrobin @robinhallett
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