I woke up this morning with my goals in mind
Meditate, do my practices, eat yummy breakfast, take a walk, work a little in the garden and then write this week’s post (I was going to tell you about the wildest miracle manifesting story I have ever experienced firsthand), then see some awesome clients in the afternoon, and then dinner with my husband.
Fun day, full day, packed day, busy day. No time for deviations – just stick to the plan day.
And then I got the email.
A very special and dear-to-me mentor is dying. She made the decision to enter into hospice care last week and her transition is now imminent.
The ‘just stick to the plan’ plan is now out the window. Enter the new plan: Honor what is. Be faithful and respect what is.
Honor what is happening now.
…don’t force some kind of ‘shove it away and deal with it on the lunch break’ thing to happen.
And so I set about honoring what is. I created this altar for my teacher; one where I can light candles and incense and bring her flowers and the crystals she loved; an altar I can tend throughout the days and share my prayers and gratitude and tears.
Rather than feeling helpless, this is what I can do. Rather than feeling prevented from grieving because I am not able to be there with her, I allow myself to find my own way to grieve.
Love and gratitude for my teacher, who helped me to evolve out of a place of darkness and not-knowing; for this amazing lady who helped me to see myself as I truly am and gave me the permission I lacked on my insides to shine and shine brightly; for this being who offered me mothering I had missed…including hard truths that the best mentors will give.
Love for this woman who was truly a brilliant and very accomplished seer, who had a complicated life and managed–like every good alchemist–to smelt lesser substances into gold and then generously shared her treasures with us all.
Honoring what is isn’t always easy.
It takes a strong inner container to go on with the day; to write, answer emails, speak on the telephone, teach my own students, be there for clients. It takes a strong inner container to hold the part of myself who feels so sad, to ask and then give myself what I am needing.
I reach out to my friends and let them love on me. They listen and support me and share their own wisdom. Some of the cool things I hear: Heavy-hearted means there is a lot of love there. The deeper the sadness = the more you love/d. By leaning into the sadness you’re able to share this experience and help others. Love isn’t always physical, nor is the presence of the one you love…it can be and is energetic. You’re honoring your relationship authentically. One shared her own post about losing her beloved mentor.
It’s good to reach out to people, be vulnerable…let thear/see see the ugly cry. It’s good I remind myself, it’s good.
Sometimes we still try to force the old agenda.
Mmmhmm. Old habits and all that. I sat down more than once and tried to type the words to the wildest miracle manifesting story I have ever experienced firsthand, but I only burst into tears.
Honoring what is means, well, honoring what is! I had to let it go.
I visit the altar, light the incense and take a little walk out into the garden. I can smell the incense outside, everywhere (what must the neighbors be thinking?!). And, then I see them. Pink petals all over the garden. Thousands of pink petals.
Their message: An abundance of love is here, all around you and what is here can never be lost or forgotten.
I come back inside and decide to share these stories with my students: How do we love and experience the loss of a mentor who has 100’s of students who each feel deeply loved and special? How can we find the way to go on being, and do what needs to be done, while our hearts are breaking?
A friend calls and I break down in sobs again. She just listens. I lay down on my own healing table and sob. True friends are just there, they don’t need to fix or fade it for you. For a moment we laugh about how my teacher is now on her way to Disneyland and just a little bit, we’re jealous. We wonder who she’ll see first.
You too have Just Stick To The Plan Days. What do you do when everything changes?
How do you manage when you have a heavy heart, or something happens in the day you weren’t counting on?
My way is to honor it all, allow the heavy heartedness and the sad, the grief and the love but also the humor and the commitments too, to the best of my ability. This isn’t about dissolving into the unconsoleable kind of collapse which serves no one.
Sometimes we have to stop everything and pay attention, honor what is happening. Make space for feelings that are never ever convenient and almost never anticipated.
Maybe next week I’ll tell you the Most Miraculous Manifestation story…for now, I’m honoring what is. What about you?