Welcome to Hell where we serve billions daily 🙂
And we want to extend an especially warm welcome to those of you who’ve arrived from Facebook or doing your taxes!
Also to those of you disgusted with your career, or your body, or your love life.
Woo hoo! Politics! Climate Change! State of the world! We’re so glad you’re here.
We’ve been stoking the fires just for you.
Your pain is our first priority.
For those of you who keep asking, “How did I get here?” we’ll give you the low-down.
Please direct your attention to the prompter.
This is the place where everything seems bleak and the world feels tiny.
Hopeless and pointless is our spesh-EE-al-i-tee.
Here in hell, we feature nine circles, with nine being the absolute worst. Most people end up there eventually. It’s just a matter of time.
While there is a clause in the contract stipulating that if you ask, we have to tell you how to leave… it also states that we only have to tell you if you know the magic word.
(It wouldn’t be very sporting of us if we just gave you the answer, would it?)
It’s time to descend. Please make your way to the carts.
No pushing, please. There are plenty of carts for everyone.
What’s that? You thought you went to hell in a hand-basket? Lol. Oh no baby, you’re going in the special hot-rod hell cart.
Buckle up, cause these babies were built to burn!
It’s a quick ride to the bottom.
Just think terrible thoughts about yourself or your life (or even other people!) and you’ll descend.
The worse you feel, the faster you go.
Don’t stop believing. The terrible thoughts, that is!
(We totally know that beliefs are just thoughts you keep thinking but we don’t care about that here! This is hell, baby!)
The worse you feel, the faster you’ll go.
Keep your hands inside the cart and enjoy the ride.
Once you’ve reached the 9th circle, please exit the vehicle.
There is a lot to see here, but we recommend that you find a tiny god to worship.
Here in hell, we know that when you treat your upset as if it’s the important part, your cells will worship it as truth. We like to capitalize on this. Your pain is our pleasure!
Pick an altar, find a cushion, and get ready to worship.
The “I am a big fat loser” altar is doing especially well this season, as is the “I have no mission and no purpose in life!” altar.
Set it up just the way you like it, you’re going to be here a while.
You see those people trying to push their carts back uphill?
Um, no. That won’t work.
You cannot exit the same way you came.
We already told you: when you’re ready to leave you have to speak the magic words.
(While there is a clause in the contract stipulating if you ask, we must reveal how to leave, it also states that we only have to tell you if you know the magic words.)
(Corni the unicorn begins whispering: “help me”)
La-la-laaaaaaa! We can’t quite hear you.
Corni: HELP ME, please?
ARGH! You’re saying the magic words! How did you know? Now that you said “help me” we are contractually obligated to tell you how to leave hell.
But are you sure you want to know? Because it’s so nice and toasty here and you make such an awesome guest!
Oh no! Look who it is! Here comes Dojo Birdie, the Ass-Kicker of Light!
Dojo Birdie, Ass-Kicker of Light, is the bringer of whoop-ass but she also knows that you are struggling right now. She gets it. You wouldn’t be here if you weren’t.
She knows all about the huge gravitational pull. The weight of it all. How you feel powerless to climb out.
Dojo Birdie is grateful for her own experiences of being on her knees, it’s exactly how the transformation happens.
If you too would like to be an Ass-Kicker of Light, you must say “Kee-YAH! (this is a special spirit yell, which will call back the parts of your spirit which are lost down in hell).
Try it: Kee-YAH! You might have to say it more than once before you are transported to our Magic Dojo ( which is a lot like Now Here Land. )
Lesson of the day from the Magic Dojo:
This is not your ego’s journey, that little self which believes in the story of suffering due to your separateness, otherness, specialness… the part which believes it can be saved by all kinds of worldly things.
You cannot find your freedom by listening to your ego. You will not find freedom in your perfect bank account, nor will you find it in your 30 perfect minute meditation or your perfect partner or your perfectly decorated immaculate house or your perfect body… you cannot.
This is your spirit journey (KEE-YAH!) and who you are is a being made of stardust; you’re a spark of the divine, a child of God. Your freedom and ease come in remembering this (especially when you’re lost).
Remember that this upset, this fear, this anxiety is not ALL of who you are – and this puny little thing you keep trying to orient around cannot save you because it has NO power. There are no miracle cures the ego can find because you yourself are the miracle and all you need to ever do is remember, connect, and shine. This will get you out of hell every time.
This post is dedicated to those of us who travel together in the spirit bubble and our beautiful Love Posse.
Rock it like you mean it,